The Half Orc

What fascinates me about myself is this: I, for no apparent reason, remember the smallest things that don't even matter.

I've spent years trying to remember my mother's birthday, but so far I only have remembered the fact that it is in November (I think). I've tried hard to memorize my phone number, which took me about a year for me to finally memorize. Yet the smallest details of my childhood I remember.

Take my first memory for example. You know that Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland? The one with the weird stretchy portraits and stuff? I remember sitting in the egg chair part and seeing the mirrors. You know, the mirrors that have the ghost sitting right beside you in the reflection. Sadly for me, I was seated like this:

So when the mirror part came along, I saw this:

At this point, I did what came naturally to kids that are 3 years old and have a scary green monster ghost sitting right on f*cking top of them. That is, of course, I contemplated the symbolic meaning of it. I remember thinking about it and saying "Is that who I really am on the inside? Is that truly the physical representation of my soul?" (You may or may not realize this, but I may have used simpler words at the time. You know, 3 year olds don't usually have a great vocabulary.)

Aside from the monster ghost story, there is one thing that has really stuck out in my head for the past decade. I was in the fifth grade and completely awesome.

I liked Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, and best of all...

Ya, snitches! I loved me some D&D. Now, upon being explained the rules by another 5th grader, I decided that we needed to play exorbitant amounts of the role playing game. I always played a sorcerer because I liked shooting fireballs out of my hands and it was the least complicated class to do so. When I opened the book for the first time to look at the cool drawings of monsters and crap, I came across something that stunned me. This is one thing that my mind refuses to forget. My browsing went a little something like this.

These guys are so cool! Also, I can be 3 different types of midget! I love D&D!

Oh! Chicks! Look, there is a hippie, a body building midget, a lesb.... WAIT!

WTF IS THAT!?

Upon further investigation, I discovered that that thing was, in fact a woman. I had asked the person sitting next to me and they were like "WTF! THAT IS A CHICK!" and then I also asked the 11 year old dungeon master and he was like "Yup. That thing has ovaries."

I didn't know what to do. My world had been turned upside down. Things that were left were now right. Things that were up were now down. Things that had insane amounts of muscle, a furry chest, and a massive jawline were now chicks! What the hell was she doing? What is that look on her face? Is she actually checking me out?

If you look closely, you may notice that her finger is to her mouth playfully. It disturbed me. I just kind of wished that it was orcish sign language for "IMMA F*CK YOU UP CUZ IMMA ORC AND I AM NOT TRYING TO LOOK SASSY!" but I couldn't shake that stare from my mind. From time to time, I see her in my dreams.She stares at me longingly with her mysterious eyes... and it scares me.














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